My mind is on hyper drive. My brain is firing in such rapid succession, my feet stumble over themselves trying to keep up. I am pretty sure, at any moment, my head will make a complete 360 degree turn, my eyes will roll back into my head and the dark side of my personality will take over as a fiery tyrant destroying anyone in its path.
Breathing deeply, I slow the spinning thoughts, calm my anxiety for a moment, and get centered. Just when I feel like I am ready to go again, I hear the voice of my small child.
“Can you play with me?”
“Not now, I have too many things to do; maybe later, I have to get this done.”
“Please!” The little voice begs, “Just for a little while.”
Fear grabs hold of my chest and digs in its long talons as I realize I am caught in the middle of neglect and accomplishment. What if I can’t get all this stuff done? What if I fail? What will people think? I am a terrible person. I have squandered time and money and now the reaper of my dreadful fate has come to call. Everyone will finally know how irresponsible and selfish I am.
The voice pleading with me to play is not my daughter’s, but the voice inside myself that longs to be released from tasks and responsibilities, to run free, laugh heartily, be creative, go shopping, or escape into a novel. I want to exorcise my anger and frustration with a good, old fashioned tantrum. It’s kinda like the release you feel after you vomit – it’s out and there is this awesome calm inside the body for a little while. However, the looks of sheer terror, concern, and judgment on the faces of those who may witness my childish act, causes me to wince and reconsider.
I need a vacation. A few down days to do nothing and recharge would be ideal, however, right now, it is out of the question. Need is the key word here, notice I did not say want. So the next obvious question is how? How can I take care of myself, stay in my Kuzala, and accomplish the tasks I want to do?
The way to Kuzala is paying attention to the signals your mind, emotions, and body are giving you. They are the wisdom of your spirit gently persuading you to your own fulfillment. This kind of selfishness produces contentment and energizing enthusiasm to give back to the world while realizing your personal goals. I find it is essential, especially when deadlines and tasks are exerting their pressure, to give myself the gift of play. It does not have to be long or expensive or lavish. My daughter was given “indoor snowballs” at her last birthday; by far my favorite gift. She and I planned a sneak attack on her dad and brothers; moments later snowballs were being hurled at one another with vengeance as we all released some built up tension with ourselves and each other. Before it was over, we all were laughing and sweating – just what I needed to get back to work. Take some time for yourself; the return of the investment will create vitality and creativity into accomplishing the tasks with greater efficiency.
Have fun this holiday season and have a Kuzala Day.